May 2019 – Page 2 – Haiku Commentary

old age home —
a pill for everything
but loneliness

Under the Basho, 2018

This is really a heartfelt haiku that shows the dilemma of our society. This is still a question mark for many of those who take relationships for granted.

The opening line looks very simple, indicating an ‘old age home’, but metaphorically it is not simply a place where old citizens take shelter and spend the rest of their lives. It is a place where one can find every comfort but still not feel like one is at home, still have something missing in their lives, still deprived of the connection with their loved ones.

In the second line, ‘pill’ symbolizes not only a medicine that is used for relief of any kind of pain but also indicates the intrinsic connection that one needs through a touch of genuine feelings that itself is healing. In old age, a person always needs a loved one to stay with them and listen to their stories of life or share great memories and spend some quality time with them so that he or she can mentally and psychologically feel healthy and satisfied.

The dilemma of old age and old age houses was cleverly described in the third line, where the poet depicted that there is a cure and medication for every type of pain but loneliness. Nothing can overcome loneliness except love and genuine feelings of close ones including children, siblings, friends, family members, etc. There is no substitute of a true relationship in one’s life, which a person needs the most in old age, but ironically senior citizens often don’t get them. It reminds me of a quote by the Dalai Lama that helps me to conclude my views. It says:
“The planet doesn’t need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.”

– Hifsa Ashraf (Pakistan)

This haiku tackles one of the most dreadful things and that is loneliness. In line one, where I’m from, it’s called a “nursing home.” And I used to work in one, so I can definitely relate to what the poet wrote from the words of the patients themselves.

Although there’s no kigo, I can only assume that this is a gendai/modern haiku. With a sabi tone (loneliness or miserable) the haiku does a great job with a powerful third line, though it may be read as “matter of fact.” I see no other way to write about the subject matter ex. “a pill for every thing except old age/death/“ etc.

This haiku to me is also a stark reminder of the company people take for granted and other important meaningful things in life while in their youth. It’s a fine haiku as I see it. Congratulations Indra!

– Fractled (USA)

This is a fine example of restraint in haiku. Without any wordplay, the writer effectively expresses the stark scene. When we see it from an Indian perspective, where the haijin resides, an old age home is a place for old people whom their children are unable to provide care for. This leads to feelings of abandonment which is a major contributing factor for depression among the old age home residents. Normally the children pay money to these homes but even though the money can buy medicines, it cannot guarantee the cure for loneliness. A powerful social comment which achieves what it intended.

– Pragya Vishnoi (India)

A modern haiku, very strong in the sentiment that it emanates, yet very simple in its presentation like any work that respects the original spirit of this poetic genre. It does not leave much to the imagination but is vibrant and, according to the experience of those who read it, it can arouse reflections of personal, social, and cultural value.

I also find the shape impeccable; not being a native speaker, I cannot dwell on the choice of words, etc., but I find it fluid and harmonious.

– Margherita Petriccione (Italy)

Indra’s poem speaks to me far beyond a nursing home when I think of all the medications people must take for various physical and/or mental illnesses and the simple act of getting old, all of which can result in isolation or invisibility. The couplet is a truism that can’t be denied. While the poem isn’t placed in a season, and isn’t isolated to a moment, or even a person, I found it works for me despite the generalization of the first line, and assumptions of the phrase because my own experiences with such homes involved seasons and senses, smells, taste, touch… and in a broad sense, this one speaks to me metaphorically as the ‘winter’ of our lives, or simply getting old.

– Carole MacRury (USA)

Did you enjoy this haiku and the commentary? Let us know in the comments section below.

pechane-10

– By Pechane Sumie

shooting stars —
in the canal’s waters
fish jumps

The Mainichi, Aug. 18, 2018

If the em dash at the end of the first line is deleted, the haiku would clearly benefit from the pivot and revolving interpretations: shooting stars reflected in the canal’s waters and the fish jumping in the canal’s waters. There is also the theme of two worlds separated and connected by water. The movement in line 1 and line 2 against the second line makes the haiku a visual delight. Though there is no explicit mention of kigo, the haiku evokes a summer-time feeling. The merging of two worlds is completely in line with the Zen aesthetic of onism, which has been alluded by many great Japanese writers, artists, and filmmakers. All in all, a memorable haiku.

– Pragya Vishnoi (India)

As to the phrasal structure of the poem, I would consider the article “a” in front of “fish” for better flow—no pun intended.

– Dennis Gobou (USA)

A great sense of serene unity emanates from this haiku (which I would see much better as a monoku) where for a moment the earth seems to blend into the sky. The fact that a kigo is not present, in my opinion, enhances the sense of universality that permeates it, making it a timeless moment. Once the boundaries of space and time are overcome, this haiku would be a small masterpiece if rightly there was an article in front of “fish.”

– Margherita Petriccione (Italy)

This particular haiku to me has a few flaws but it’s interesting as well. About the errors, the first thing I asked myself was why is there an em dash on line 1 when it reads as a phrase with line 2. Because of the conjunction word “in,” the em dash should have been on line 2 after the word “waters.” Then, I wondered why the author repeated what is already said, which is between the words “canal’s” and “waters.” The author could have dropped the word “waters” or drop “canal’s for even more space, but there’s another problem, which is the plural on water which indicates to me that the author had superpowers to be at multiple places at once to see this particular moment. Also, I believe the word “waters” was added so that the author could keep the short/long/short form of a haiku, therefore forcing something that isn’t necessary in the poem.

Maybe the author should have written:

fish jumps
in the canal—
shooting stars

Or better yet to use the “technique of narrowing focus”:

shooting stars
lights the canal—
jumping fish

While I’m cringing with the use of two “ing” words, for now it’s the only way I could keep technique intact with a wide lens “shooting stars” to the medium “the canal” and finally a small lens focusing on the jumping fish.

That’s just my opinion on a published haiku that needs some surgery.

– Fractled (USA)

I too would omit the em dash to achieve a pivot. “waters” I feel is redundant. Line 3 is not grammatically correct: “a fish jumps” or “fish jump”. Thus, I would suggest: shooting stars / in the canal / fish jump – with matching plurals. A pleasing poem with striking imagery but it has a “dodgy” final line.

– Susan King (UK)

This presents an interesting juxtaposition: the movement of objects across the sky above and across the water below. From that one similarity, the images open up and veer off from one another. A shooting star is a dying object of dust and rock falling into the earth’s atmosphere that burns up. Fish jump out of the water for various reasons, including perceiving a threat from a predator, or acting as prey. This haiku makes me wonder if, like the shooting star that’s dying, the fish is on a hook and is about to be caught? Or is the fish’s jump temporary—a momentary arc where, unlike the star, it will go back to its habitat and continue its life in the water. Either way, I feel that the poem speaks to the impermanence of nature, or the nature of impermanence.

– Michael Morell (USA)

I like the ‘startle’ effect against the sky and the canal… the movement of a shooting star, the movement of a fish. It brings together, for this moment, the heavens and the earth.

– Carole MacRury (USA)

There is an element of amusement in this haiku that makes it interesting in many ways. Shooting stars may indicate a sign of luck, happiness, and celebrations (fireworks) as well. One wishes upon shooting stars to get desired things in life. I see a shooting star as a kind of celebration where someone is enjoying the vastness of the universe, and taking it as the fulfillment of all wishes.

Canal water is usually used for irrigation, so there may be celebrations for having a good crop.

The third part of this haiku is the most interesting one, as fish jumps may again indicate prosperity, happiness, and the abundance of resources. Overall, the haiku shows the blessings and bounties of life, where a person is experiencing different elements as a whole and which are interrelated. In short, stars show luck, water shows a flow of life (prosperity), and fish jumps show happiness/celebrations. So, who would not want to have all this in life?

In addition, the letter ‘s’ at the end of each line may symbolize the twist and turns in life that bring great surprises for us.

– Hifsa Ashraf (Pakistan)

If you enjoyed the poem and commentary, please let us know in the comments section.

night-sky

Haiku Commentary

Month: May 2019

Indra Neil Mekala’s Pill

Minh-Triêt Pham’s Shooting Stars